The elephant in the room

Recently, I was asked to talk about the problems facing couples based in wealthy expatriate locations. Two words sprang to mind - ‘money’ and ‘transparency’. It struck me that in too many relationships they are not the most natural bed-fellows.

Secrecy and a refusal to share finances are fairly wide-spread practices. Nationwide’s latest research reveals that whereas couples say they prioritise honesty (43%) and trust (32%) as core values in a relationship, over half (53%) do not pay their salaries into a joint bank account and as many as 22% own up to having accounts they have never revealed to their partners. Hardly surprising then to hear about bickering at one end of the spectrum and full-scale deception over spending and savings habits at the other.

No matter where you are in the world, money is that all too often felt, but never remarked upon, elephant in the room. A state of financial disharmony will often emerge after a couple have landed in some fabulously wealthy location - like an Arab Gulf state - only to find themselves too financially strapped to enjoy such a luxurious playground. Financial embarrassment is the fastest route to feelings of inadequacy especially when you meet other expats who seemingly have it all. They present a front of being sassy, smart and solvent, leaving others unsettled and dissatisfied with their lot. Arguments crop up between couples because when it comes to money there's only so much of it around - you don't row over something you have an abundance of.

Couples pledge a lot to each other before signing the marriage register. They promise fidelity, to care for each other in sickness and in health, and some even bestow upon the other all their worldly goods. I’m afraid most of us would do better to promise less, but do more, especially when it comes to working harder at establishing and maintaining fiscal transparency. Establishing a dialogue where partners can talk frankly and honestly about attitudes and responses to money is crucial. This isn’t about making a case for some type of prenuptial agreement where both parties delineate at the outset what’s their own and what’s shared between them. Talking about money and creating a safe forum where joint decisions on savings, spending and investments, can be made without descending into argument is an ongoing task. In many ways, the best way to approach this is to find ways to ‘workshop’ the subject. Money is a vast area to cover - to do so effectively, requires structure and a common purpose.

Partners who negotiate the money mine-field with both their bank balance and dignity in tact generally do so on a regular basis. They share a regular exchange of views, reactions and responses. Beginners may start off with nothing too formal or too specific. Ask each other about how you see the wealth, or lack of it, displayed in your country of residence. How does it make you both feel? Are you left envious, rueing your lack of a disposable income? Knowing what the other is feeling will create a better understanding between you. Be open to the other’s viewpoint and acknowledge that you are both going to react in different ways and at a different pace.

Don’t go into a first discussion all guns blazing, demanding to see all credit card statements and deposit balances. If you each show the other consideration and acknowledge this is an area for dual control and shared responsibility then you'll be more inclined to listen and in turn be listened to.
Take it step by step, but do make sure the steps are taken regularly. If you can, inject some humour into it all, especially if your frank exchanges reveal that, when it comes to spending versus saving, you are in fact diametrically opposed. Laughing with each other (not at each other) will reduce any nascent urge to panic or blame. Shove the elephant from the room and bask in the warm glow of your new-found transparency.